The Movie Sounded Funny This Morning...spoiler alert: bathroom talk

I think I want Amy Sedaris or Drew Barrymore to play me in the film. I just cannot see Drew with diarrhea for 5 days straight. I'm not sure how that is going to play. Fortunately, I can see Ms. Sedaris making the most of the GI situation. Maybe Drew will be able to make it cute when she has to change her pants twice at the gym. Or the reaction of cute men at the gym to the smell could be a chuckle.

In the movie, Phil, I see as played by Will Smith, though Phil is not black. Cordell is black and Cordell must play Cordell (he has some experience and I must insist that he be cast as a stand in. Dallas ticket sales will pay for the movie alone) Lynnette from Despareate Housewives will be Carlyon, of course. Holly Hunter, Johnna. or Karen. Sally Field could be my mother but must be played more angelic and less neutrotic than the mother she currently plays. Latte, the whole man, the Renaissance wonder, the miracle nurse and sometimes a pain in my tush, could only be played by Steve Martin. I know through his autobiography and short stories that he is a true sensitive.

So this morning my sense of humor mislead me to believe that I could write that screenplay about my life. The long hours of dialysis, the nurses calling daily to make me describe my poop: for some reason I could just see Drew Barrymore sitting on a toilet trying to schedule a house showing for the next day. Yes, it was funny then. But 2 hours later, when I had to change clothes due to the severely strong dose of SORBITOL, my humorous feeling eroded some. When the doctor said I had to DOUBLE UP on the Sorbitol for 5 days straight....Well, I guess I am going to have to get some diapers. Fun.

There was one scene that I replay that is very funny to me. My nurses were all gathered in the little room and fussing over me. I'd broken down a little bit and cried to them for the first time. The 8 hours/day needed for the exchange was too much. The diarreah was getting old. The dietician and the social worker both were trying to talk to me to check it off their list. The dietician had to tell me all about pottasium and calcium and make me sign a sheet that she had gone over it with me. Lucky for me, no potassium flash cards this time. Meanwhile, the social worker had a big whig in the insurance department driving in to meet with me next week about Medicare. What was my schedule? she asked. Through my tears they were all trying to comfort me as well - there were 4 of them, and Toni was preparing to draw my blood. Everyone was talking at once, but when Toni leaned down with the needle and stuck my bare arm, everyone in the room leaned back and gasped, like a Disney cartoon. Really it was funny and I started laughing. I've had my blood drawn there at least 10X but I've never seen this kind of reaction.... They are all lovely women. It makes me feel good that they care that much.

Even though I think some of this is funny, I don't think this will play as a movie. Just to let you know, I had too busy a day to have to run to the potty every 10 minutes. I'm trying to finish my second dose of dialysis now, get my bloodsugar right (it is spiking) and get to a funeral visitation for someoen that I admired and was so fond of. I usually worry about crying at a funereal, but today I will be worried about another kind of leaking.

I told Phil that I had on 2 pairs of underwear to try and get me by. He said that my vagina must be in shock since I usually don't wear underwear. Shame on me for ever telling my biznes.