food critic

To my friend the food critic:

OMG
Did we eat a Mexican-Japanese meal or what? Sopapillas, "fish" tacos, tamales AND sushi? "Deconstructed" sushi, no less. Thanks so much from the bottom of my still full GI tract.

You know that eating with a reknown food critic was one of my life goals.

Don’t mean to be too gushy – but what a great Nashville night in "Little Dubai" and you are the funniest. My senses were dulled in the end with the deadly combination of time schedule and fried dough, yet I still had to laugh with you. I loved the freaking weather and time of day too….I”m too tired to go at 8:30 when John is ready! ha The sun started setting and the father daughter team started singing...and it was soooo pretty. It is true; the crappiest band in all of Nashville, TN is equal to the Best Barband in Dallas.

We made a commitment to try and write in our "blog journals."

So go write some private journal that you can publish later on. You should be a writer for a larger audience. It's not fair to deprive the people of Missouri of your humor and so on.

Thanks for thinking of me as the faux food reviewer for one night. The food was awesome. And you can use that in your column. ha

Coco

Humbling Friendships

What an amazing group of people in my life.

Snickers, the beloved dog next door, is so readily shared with me by my favorite family the Trotmans. This is seriously the best way to own a dog...let it love next door.

Other friends today:

Lorrie took me walking today; afterwards we saw the bench she had made and placed for her father.

He passed away almost 1 year ago. The inscription says:

"He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction."
(Bessie Smith apparently wrote it; but it is often attributed to Emerson because it was published alongside his own essay in a newpaper.)

The bench is raw cut limestone; its dimensions are heavy and organic, chunky modern & strong. On the front in the most simple font that explains how the bench is given to the neighborhood beloved by their father from his children. What a pretty little spot with azaleas and a dogwood.

Lorrie is like him, I'm sure, though I didn't know him. If I could ever have touched someone the way her father touched so many, that is what I hope to accomplish. It is enough to hear Lorrie talk about him and it is an honor to hear her mention him. I love that Lorrie could show it to me. I'm humbled by her offer to help with my dailysis in the future.

Pete spent an hour today fixing my television; Phil came to entertain us at lunch and offered to help me with all the things I keep whining about! He also listened endlessly and with actual interest to my silly ramblings. Doug came to check on me. Mom and Dad called to check in - they my most solid support in life.

Susan & Drew spent hours feeding and entertaining me...and again, listening. What a wonder it is that I have such friends. I have to say it again: it is so humbling.

Pete talked to me about EMDR therapy and spoke in brilliant lay terms for me. He's amazing at describing the usefulness, the physical act of the treatment, the brain function, the way you use dual attraction to focus and many theories about why it worked. Just the explanation and examples of "dual attention" - by using eye movement or tapping - anything to left and right and back again, while focusing on the cause of the anxiety was so simple and brilliant. I encouraged him to write for the average interested person, like Oliver Sachs, but he laughed. Anyhow, it's not the same, I'm sure, but the dual attention reminds me of the intense focus of meditation and prayer in the woods....You are in the quietest setting, relaxed and able to think about being present and acceptance.

ahhh i am blessed

First Dialysis Training: one month ago.

Just found out that my FOURTH blood work test came back worse. They rechecked 2x last week at the endo's and we were hoping that flushing liquids and basically drinking water like a freaking fish would lower the creatine. Oh well My parents rushed in from the 'burbs to go to prepretraining: We saw a predictable but informative film on the many choices for dialysis with a q and a following. I've got to give it a thumbs down, just for the depressing content. Though they managed to be upbeat and loaded me up w/some info.

My sweet mother asked some of the questions over again; it is all confusing. And she asked lots of questions about traveling....finally, I interupted and attacked my biggest supporter and said like a horrible spoiled child: "Let me just get this out on the table (to the nurse teacher): my mother doesn't want me to travel and it is the love of my life" She cringed, then I cringed myself. How can i be so mean to her!!!! I went on...defending myself, even though she wasn't even attacking me!

Later things were better though I felt like we were driving to a funeral on the way to the doctor's office and coming home w/my parents. Today I'm great because Felipe came to visit (pure humor) and Kitty came by (pure sympathy). I actually cannot believe that I am sick, except for the out of breath when hiking and biking!!! Lordy Need to talk to someone on PD (is it Pera.dailysis? there are 2 kinds) and/or Home Hemo....those are my choices...

Meanwhile, my brilliant and beautiful pro-cheerleader niece, who is also in an elite nursing school and working another job full time (i appreciate her efforts, my god)...is upset because they are only featuring her in a small photograph on some marketing material, and not a full page!!! If she only knew how well she is doing in life....she is amazing. Her brother is the super stealth smarty, he is not the showoff like me, he slides under the radar and is beloved. I stalked him on Facebook (like a crazy old aunt would) and he has 1million cute friends on there, mostly girls.

Real Estate in this market....

Saturday night a few weeks ago:

Kendall told me that he was quitting real estate. After a 20 year successful career, he's had enough. In front of 10 gay men and Leslie, relaxed by the most beautiful $2.8 m spec house in the Nashville hills, he regaled a summary list of being exploited as a realtor...

He didn't want to be treated like that anymore! With minimal words (I admire that) he summed it all up: it is not worth it...."If you care about your clients at all, then your life is miserable if you also need to support yourself....fine if you have someone else supporting you, but life for a successful realtor is horrible."

He meant that it is more rigorous, less rewarding, and looked down upon more than any other profession. Listen, I know: I come from a long line of car dealers....Realtors are treated like urchin children by many...in some crazy self-flagaration way I must like it.

I love my friend Felipe's comment: "quit complaining, Coco. You've made more money at this than anything else you could do!" He's right; I was "downsized" from so many careers! I mean, we went to real estate school for 3 weeks. (there were however, over 400 hours of continuing ed.)

Mr Wonderful, in a rare frustrated moment said, "you are expected to be an expert on everything." Here are some of my areas of "expertise" in real estate:

• All aspects of construction, framing, roofing, drainage, codes administration...* i mean I have had to go referee w/an inspector vs an engineer over Joist Spans. and then I have to explain the calculus to the client...I barely passed calculus
• 
  Liability and lawsuits
  
• Marketing & how to get buyers to buy
  
• How to bribe other realtors into seeing your listing
  
• FSBOs - also called "realtor-haters" - how to work successfully w/them
  
• Human nature and subtle implications
  
• Writing protective contracts
  
• There is a whole category for dealing with big egos: country music artists, lawyers & doctors, not nec in that order
  
• managment of staff
  
• latest decorating trends
  
• database managment
  
• contracting repairs in a very very short time period
  
• working on worse deadlines than a daily newspaper (I've been there)
  emotional counseling, including, but not limited to: fighting spouses, crying first time buyers,
• anger over equity loss, and manic spending (over spending)
  
• babysitting
  
• entertaining including but not limited to knowing who is playing at the Bluebird and what they are famous for
  
• foreclosures: both taking advantage of a good deal for my buyer, and helping a seller with future credit and stop loss
  
• rental markets
  

Amy Says to me about a friend; this friend Annie had a liver transplant and quit being a lawyer: "Annie B. is just a cool chick. I always meant to send her a note when all that happened but was too caught up in myself... It was awesome to hear someone much smarter and better in Court to say, 'I just couldn’t do it anymore'. Egotistically, it’s always hard for me to admit that. I told her I came to terms with it when cousin Cathy said,

'Who do you think is going to change your diapers, the law firm, or Catherine?'"

Apparently, the woman is thriving as a teacher at the boy's school here and is very healthy and happy....

The reason I mention all of this is because I got the news that I definitely have to go on Dialysis Soon. Looking at all of the options. I feel pressure to decide which way I want to go before I meet with the surgeon. Very upset over the weekend and felt bad. Didn't know which caused which. Was unable to complete anything on Sunday. Computer crashed. My computer guy says i may have lost everything (contracts, photos and most importantly database of 20 years...) i have some backups somewhere, but the very expensive backups system does not seem to be working yet....they are still checking it out...yet really noone is here.
Have lots of work to do for the clients that are grateful. Unfortunately have decided to do more free work for the clinets that not so grateful. I really think that I work just as hard for either type of client.

The "Horse People" decided to go FSBO. This is after the 3 hour consulting I did with them to get the house ready and to price the listing. Another reminder from God to focus on work-life balance.

Neprhologist office day

Last thursday I went in with the expectation of having blood drawn (for me and for UNOS transplant list). I also had asked Kim - Dr's R's nurse, to help me get home hemo education for home dialysis. Dr. R told me that she would do that 2 weeks ago. When I followed up, she seemed to understand and promised me she would get the 3 other things done. (this was 8 days before my visit)


The shot nurse was surly; she stomped out of the room when I told her (I didn't ask) that I would be pricking my own finger (my needle is sharper than theirs). She was surly when I asked her about the things Kim had promised a week before. She was surly when I told her I didn't think I would take the shot. because my hematacrit (sp?) was 11.6, I didn't feel any low oxygen or red blood cell symptons. I had discussed this w/the dr earlier in the year. She gave me the shot.

By the time she retrieved Kim at my request ("sorry, she's with a patient, you can call later." "i can wait, " i said) I was crying. How can I make a decision about which dialysis w/out the promised "education" and w/out the bloodwork?

I asked her to have Dr. R call me. She made some excuses and told me that I was just upset because I had to go on dialysis....I was, but I was also upset because she hadn't done 3 of the 4 things that I had asked for....twice.

Here is the kicker: Kim handed me a letter from the Procrit (EPO) people and said, "you've had the shot, right? Well, you are supposed to read this, but you'd better not read it today because you are so upset." Frustrated, I said, "Is this the warning about heart attack and sudden death that was all over the paper 6 months ago? That is why I had a meeting w/Dr. R about lowering my own criteria for this shot..."

Sure enough, the letter was dreadful with proven dire consequences for users of ProCrit.

It is enought to make you think: class action. uuuuugh. I need to read a little more Anne Lamott later today...

here is a quote from Ms Lamott, one of my favorites: "Laughter is carbonated holiness. It is chemo. So do whatever it takes to keep your sense of humor. Rent Christopher Guest movies, read books by Roz Chast and Maira Kalman....Reread everything Molly Ivins and Jim Hightower ever wrote. Write down that great line of Molly's, that "freedom fighters don't always win, but they're always right." Tape it next to your phone. Call the loneliest person you know. Go flirt with the oldest person at the bookstore. Fill up a box with really cool clothes that you haven't worn in a year, and take it to a thrift shop. Take gray water outside and water whatever is growing on your deck. This is not a bad metaphor to live by. I think it is why we are here. Drink more fluids. And take very gentle care of yourself and the people you most love."

She was talking about the state of affairs for the country and the election, but as usual, her words seem to apply to me today.

Many thanks to Kat for the beautiful Lamott essay, which led to another one and another...

Pushing through the systems: transplant & dialysis

OK OK

i heard from Vanderbilt. Note to self: make food to carry to the nurses over there. I've started off with a bonding experience...my nurse coordinator goes to Percy Warner like me!!! They want me to see 2 doctors and get more tests. here is a list of what I am waiting to be scheduled:

See Surgeon for Dialysis catheter implant surgery

• Dialysis center pre pre training on Hemo at Home (so I can make ed decision)
  renew the stress test
  
• Dual transplant surgeon - never had a meeting, so that is my next meeting.
  "Red top" vial of blood w/in a few more days...must get a deadline
  
• Kidney doctor again for EPO test and shot
  guess I've had about 25 doctor's meetings and clinic visits in the last 2 months...over 20 vials of blood and about 30 total tests...not so bad. i can do this!
  

what i've learned. yesterday, when i felt bad and sorry for myself, Amy listened patiently to my list above and said, "all education is good" and I didn't listen to her. I was still hurt and brooding and frustrated! But today I am strong and happy and I know I have to get these meetings scheduled just for the education. I must remember to listen when I feel poorly and if it doesn't sound good to me, which it didn't yesterday! I must remember these words from friends for later encouragement. I have faith that I will feel better and I can handle difficult ideas later.
What else I've learned: a dose of good comedy and better yet, a dear friend stopping by, is the best medicine. Pete came over with Sag Paneer and Arrested Development. Manna from heaven.

Other best gifts: Kim called, Amy,Erica & Kitty, 2 long lost friend....all called today. Wonders, they all are

Rilke poem

LET EVERYTHING HAPPEN
by Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,go to the limits of your longing.Embody me.

Flare up like flameand make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.

Just keep going. No feeling is final.Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.You will know it by its seriousness.Give me your hand.

(from Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God,translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)

Dialysis: More Education Today

Just got back from a Davita education - it was so much better than the last co that we went to. Felipe went with mom dad and me. John is out of town, but this was such a good meeting. I got a bit sad that he wasn't there, because he sees things very simply and w/out emotion.

Mom, Dad & Felipe were great: every question that they asked was something I would've never thought of. I was floored by the passion of the nurse Toni. She kept saying how much she loved education; how much she loved her job. Her supporting staff were great too; they handed props around and brought in other patients just flat off the floor for me to quiz.

UNFORTUNATELY, noone pushed me toward one kind of dialysis over another. I'm a little more confused about which type to go with: PD or home hemo. Big differences and big pros and cons for each. I"m leaning toward the PD, since I can direct my own schedule. It is crazy that such a small thing can throw me over, cause i can control the schedule somewhat on home hemo...I just have to have a "care partner" here with me during the 2 hours..... PD is NINE hours though....boy.

PD has 4 in or 8in catheter coming out of belly; Home hemo has big lumpy button accesses in the arm. PD has big gallon bags of glucose and dialysate to pump into stomach everyday, thus screwing up the blood sugar and forced weight gain. (everyone says, think 5 months pregnant) I don't want to be vain about this, but my mom is right to help me think about the restrictive feelings during exercise with a really big stomach.

Hemo deals with blood; apparently there are lots of blood supplies to throw away, bloody messes occasionally etc. Home hemo machine is 70 lbs, plus has a big machine under it about the size of a wine fridge.

Both can travel, but not that easily....

PD: everyday, 9 hrs per day (while sleeping, ideally). good for work life.
Home hemo: 2 hrs -3 hrs, 6 days /week (but a trained person has to be there)

PD: training is 5 days
Home hemo: required minimum 15 days. my nephrologist says that you practically have to become a dailysis nurse to operate.

someone help me decide!