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Thanks for letting me know if you are reading this! I need encouragement!

Thoughts on Waiting....Uncertainty

So many things are in my head - the last 2 weeks have been very full and I have so much to think about (it is so much easier NOT to think about it all and just play Scramble on line).

The things I've seen and heard over the last few days are almost too much to put here. And maybe because most things are removed from me, they are not necessarily life-shattering. But everything is effecting me strangely.

Acquaintances from high school lost their only daughter; another Goodpasture good man is having more cancer surgery; mom's best friend had her brain tumor removed and suffered horribly from the fear and confusion that the tumor caused. This is everyday news for a 44 year-old gal in her hometown. But I cannot help but have these incredible feelings of deep humility and gratitude for where I am now....and 5 hours later be perfectly furious and in tears that I haven't had a bowel movement. Really, after 8 weeks of dialysis - 4X a day, I am being so gentle with myself. But this morning was a challenge and again showed me how volatile and fragile one's mind can be.

A seriously low blood sugar got me downstairs into the fridge. at 5:30am. I had been dreaming about trying to get some grapes from the neighborhood association but they were all spoken for. The numerous adjustments made for the dialysate (sugar water) I'll save for my Nurse Practitioner Insulin Pump Specialist. (God, I love Angel) The dialysis fluid impacts my blood sugar significantly and I have to remember that....every minute.

Since I had to go into the clinic for my blood draw at 8.30 - I thought I'd go ahead and exchange. Nothing doing. I had run out of stool softeners the night before but thought i could double up on the laxatives. I never knew there was a difference before now.

Long story short, It is noon and I still cannot get the dialysate out of my body. I have tried more drastic measures, that I need not describe here.

In between the blood draw and the couch time, I have gone to look at some foreclosed property for a local bank. I was soooo excited to see that the property was in a neighborhood we will call "Fieldstone" and did some quick research on it yesterday. What a great area in Brentwood! No problem on getting the bank its money. In consideration of time and working on my bathroom visits, I sent Latte out to p/u the key and meet me at "Feildstone." Well, after a drive to Franklin, my researching team back at the office let me know that the house was off of I-24, basically in gangland! It was another "Fieldstone" in the Nashville area!

The real nice part of the story is that I did get a laugh out of everything that followed. The train tracks the house sat on, the 3500 sq foot deck and above-ground pool, the toilet in the closet. I laughed when I got on the interstate going the wrong way back to West End and realized that I was almost to Hermitage (how embarrassing to admit that here) I also laughed out loud when my phone died, but just before I got a call from Vanderbilt.....(OMG THIS IS IT. THEY HAVE THE PANCREAS!) But it was my client instead!

I was sad for the bank (is that possible?) and the appraiser that might get deposed! And filled with all kinds of inspiration to write some real estate articles about the market, etc.

I have projects I want to work on for future investment, some clients that need help, some great houses that really need to be sold.....I have much to do, I enjoy it and I am grateful. My challenge is to remain grateful and not resentful when there is pain.

(there is an arc of pain and weakness that can be directly proportional to my need/love/anger of Latte. Poor guy. This morning when I was hurting and sweating at a certain point, I only wanted his company. When it became more annoying and less painful, I was mad that he wasn't making me breakfast. Or rushed off to buy me another enema. What a brat I am. Yet I know that he is just ....here, so that he is really a true reflection of myself. And I am so lucky that I haven't chased him off yet)

The NYT (thank you from the bottom of my heart Phillipe) had a great article this Sunday about uncertainty. Apparently it can cause more stress in your life than anything. Our entire country is dealing with this now, so it is fitting that I have my own brand of uncertainty. Waiting for 2 organs, trying to get dialysis running on a schedule, etc.

The article, one of the most popular this week, states that uncertainty can be worse for you than bad news. The studies were adjusted for the overly anxious and covered several years. The wonderful thing is: "people underestimate their ability to cope with a bad situation." I knew it! I cling to this!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/your-money/03shortcuts.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Holiday to the Baird's: "ChangeinPlans.net"

Happy Birthday India! I did try to call on your birthday but I must've had the wrong number again (upgraded the blackberry to curve, not storm). I love you lots and cannot wait to read posts. I have quit writing on mine because my patience and good humor have eroded. (dialysis is still taking 5-8 hours per day) My dear old friends Angie and Emily (married David T an authentic NYorker) are visiting which is lots of fun and keeps me very busy. I was thrilled to learn that Angie follows your blog as well and she is also delighted by your writing.

We've had many out of town visiters with game nights and pot luck dinners and lots of laughter. Tom and Rob came from San Fran -- Tom with an excel spread sheet of all the Meat and Threes in Nashville with hours open, whether they served catfish or homemade biscuits and other critical info. If i suggested a place that wasn't "on the grid" it started a whole flurry of research and phone calls, even a drive-by on off hours to see if we could peak at the menu. You can imagine that in between the long hours of dialysis, I was eating stuff that I never eat. On the first day that theywere to arrive, I drove home at 4:30pm in the complete dark. I believe it was the shortest day in the year). Tom & Rob's plane was to land and I was to pick up the first installment of food at Sylvan pak, specific orders of course. I panicked when I drove home and all the lights were out in Green Hills and on West End! What if the electricity was out at Sylvan Park? No food or cold food for Tommy! so i rushed over to Sylvan park (1 mile away) and was pleased to see the lights on, the only ones on the whole street. Tom Wofford came as well and it just feels more complete with him here. I feed off of his IQ - I cannot get enough of him. We laughed for 3 days but my mind was calculating the entire time.

I'm trying to get all 3 to move here. Rob & Tom are thinking of Savannah for retirement- Rob says it gets too cold here. I took them to Radnor which I think really impressed Rob. He took a dozen pictures and made one his screen saver. It was smoggy and cold and goregous. Evidence of beavers everywhere. Took them on a tour of the "star's" homes. Gene taught us how to make up the owner's of the houses as we drove past the giant estates. "That is Donna Summer's house" or "That is Michael McDonald's house" That is Dolly Parton's and so on... we did know where Donna and Dolly lived, but we didn't necessarily drive down to that neighborhood.. We played games with the Baker Family (in from all over) and Johnna even came to dinner one night. Instead of our usual party, we've had a dinner party or two with friends bringing food. I'm afraid Johnna left too early with the real "dish" going on after 10 while I sat on the couch doing dialysis. Seems like every dinner party now finishes with me doing another exchange while someone else cleans the kitchen. I am so blessed. Someone else has helped with the cooking. Kim And Bruce have become more than family to me. and my family are saints, including John.

So it has been a beautiful busymonth of lots of visitors. I am sending Rob weather reports of freezes in Savannah and lots of gay-interest art and events here in Nashville. Tom H and Tom W are both pulling to move here. One night we played Balderdash and got so tickled when David (big Italian, old downtowner from NYC) used the definition "a beautiful flower that grows above the treeline and is a harbinger of spring" Tom said, "I don't think the dictionary is so romantic" and we laughed about how each player thought differently but consistantly. The next day he wrote a thank you that said "I want to live in a place where people talk about the NYTimes OpEd piece and laugh at things like the 'harbinger of spring'" It made me feel so good! I think I may get them here in the end.

The other big change this holiday is all the dinners & parties I had to miss. John and I have been getting away with 2 parties a night during this season for year- Nashville is so small and since we are sober, we can go from place to place easily. This year we've had to stay home, which has been mostly fine. I still have a lot of calls to make about why I said I was attending their party and then didn't. But the visitors to my home have been nice.. oh, and John had a last minute Holiday Open house and Art Show. Sold 5 paintings!Also cousins came and other friends to the Musci City Bowl and today Christine from Hawaii arrives. I am on my 2nd hour of my first exchange today(i do four) and you'd think I could accomplish alot here on the couch. but i am feeling stuck and fighting the anger and tired of waiting. Tara Brach has some quote about pain being multiplied by resistance and I do understand that. I just have to keep occupied! Anyhoo, thanks for reading my long notes and rambling. Let me know what the plans are. Don't forget more pictures...you are an amazing photographer India. I'm so glad you were born and that you are my friend. LOVE PEACE

Surprised to learn so many donors

One thing that has really moved me during this experience is the number of people who have called and visited who have had a family member that has had a transplant. The stories are amazing and impressive.

Some very old friends and acquaintences tell me that their own mother had dialysis for years and they truly know what it is like. Others reveal that they gave a kidney to their brother or mother. Unbelievable. It is very very humbling to know someone like Bruce K or Doug S who both gave their kidneys to family members.

I am without words when someone offers to be tested. And ask Latte man, I'm rarely without words.

One story I heard involved a transplant at Vanderbilt. A woman my age was in tears by the elevators at the Vanderbilt clinic when she ran into an old boyfriend from high school. The boyfriend always had admired her but they had never been serious. The woman told him her story: her mother was very sick from dialysis and her own kidney wasn't a match for her mother's body. On the spot the man offered to be tested and within a week he was the donor. Two years later, they began to date. Soon after, he proposed at a trip to Disney World.

Comments?

Sirens Make Me Think

Yesterday was dark and wet. Cold and icy. I kept hearing sirens on West End and Phil called a few times to tell me about all of the wrecks and a death on I-65. I told Tom H about it all and my sick feeling in my stomach that I was going to get the call for the organs.

He said in his funny pretend voice, "Maybe you should go to the scenes of the accidents and ride with the victim to the emergency room. Just to make it all easier."

It is all awful and strange and now that Christmas is so close I find myself making plans with so many friends and family that I am planning in my head that the surgery won't happen until after the holiday. After everyone opens the neat gifts that I got them! After I've gotten to go to the Thompsons' and the Watkin's - Rice's, etc etc. After MamaLott and PapaLott's house and after the Fennell gathering on Christmas day!

But You-Know-Who has His own plan. I've got to remember that. And keep my kitchen clean.

Holiday parties

Does it count when someone offers you their kidney while tipsy at a Holiday party?

The Movie Sounded Funny This Morning...spoiler alert: bathroom talk

I think I want Amy Sedaris or Drew Barrymore to play me in the film. I just cannot see Drew with diarrhea for 5 days straight. I'm not sure how that is going to play. Fortunately, I can see Ms. Sedaris making the most of the GI situation. Maybe Drew will be able to make it cute when she has to change her pants twice at the gym. Or the reaction of cute men at the gym to the smell could be a chuckle.

In the movie, Phil, I see as played by Will Smith, though Phil is not black. Cordell is black and Cordell must play Cordell (he has some experience and I must insist that he be cast as a stand in. Dallas ticket sales will pay for the movie alone) Lynnette from Despareate Housewives will be Carlyon, of course. Holly Hunter, Johnna. or Karen. Sally Field could be my mother but must be played more angelic and less neutrotic than the mother she currently plays. Latte, the whole man, the Renaissance wonder, the miracle nurse and sometimes a pain in my tush, could only be played by Steve Martin. I know through his autobiography and short stories that he is a true sensitive.

So this morning my sense of humor mislead me to believe that I could write that screenplay about my life. The long hours of dialysis, the nurses calling daily to make me describe my poop: for some reason I could just see Drew Barrymore sitting on a toilet trying to schedule a house showing for the next day. Yes, it was funny then. But 2 hours later, when I had to change clothes due to the severely strong dose of SORBITOL, my humorous feeling eroded some. When the doctor said I had to DOUBLE UP on the Sorbitol for 5 days straight....Well, I guess I am going to have to get some diapers. Fun.

There was one scene that I replay that is very funny to me. My nurses were all gathered in the little room and fussing over me. I'd broken down a little bit and cried to them for the first time. The 8 hours/day needed for the exchange was too much. The diarreah was getting old. The dietician and the social worker both were trying to talk to me to check it off their list. The dietician had to tell me all about pottasium and calcium and make me sign a sheet that she had gone over it with me. Lucky for me, no potassium flash cards this time. Meanwhile, the social worker had a big whig in the insurance department driving in to meet with me next week about Medicare. What was my schedule? she asked. Through my tears they were all trying to comfort me as well - there were 4 of them, and Toni was preparing to draw my blood. Everyone was talking at once, but when Toni leaned down with the needle and stuck my bare arm, everyone in the room leaned back and gasped, like a Disney cartoon. Really it was funny and I started laughing. I've had my blood drawn there at least 10X but I've never seen this kind of reaction.... They are all lovely women. It makes me feel good that they care that much.

Even though I think some of this is funny, I don't think this will play as a movie. Just to let you know, I had too busy a day to have to run to the potty every 10 minutes. I'm trying to finish my second dose of dialysis now, get my bloodsugar right (it is spiking) and get to a funeral visitation for someoen that I admired and was so fond of. I usually worry about crying at a funereal, but today I will be worried about another kind of leaking.

I told Phil that I had on 2 pairs of underwear to try and get me by. He said that my vagina must be in shock since I usually don't wear underwear. Shame on me for ever telling my biznes.