Thoughts on Waiting....Uncertainty

So many things are in my head - the last 2 weeks have been very full and I have so much to think about (it is so much easier NOT to think about it all and just play Scramble on line).

The things I've seen and heard over the last few days are almost too much to put here. And maybe because most things are removed from me, they are not necessarily life-shattering. But everything is effecting me strangely.

Acquaintances from high school lost their only daughter; another Goodpasture good man is having more cancer surgery; mom's best friend had her brain tumor removed and suffered horribly from the fear and confusion that the tumor caused. This is everyday news for a 44 year-old gal in her hometown. But I cannot help but have these incredible feelings of deep humility and gratitude for where I am now....and 5 hours later be perfectly furious and in tears that I haven't had a bowel movement. Really, after 8 weeks of dialysis - 4X a day, I am being so gentle with myself. But this morning was a challenge and again showed me how volatile and fragile one's mind can be.

A seriously low blood sugar got me downstairs into the fridge. at 5:30am. I had been dreaming about trying to get some grapes from the neighborhood association but they were all spoken for. The numerous adjustments made for the dialysate (sugar water) I'll save for my Nurse Practitioner Insulin Pump Specialist. (God, I love Angel) The dialysis fluid impacts my blood sugar significantly and I have to remember that....every minute.

Since I had to go into the clinic for my blood draw at 8.30 - I thought I'd go ahead and exchange. Nothing doing. I had run out of stool softeners the night before but thought i could double up on the laxatives. I never knew there was a difference before now.

Long story short, It is noon and I still cannot get the dialysate out of my body. I have tried more drastic measures, that I need not describe here.

In between the blood draw and the couch time, I have gone to look at some foreclosed property for a local bank. I was soooo excited to see that the property was in a neighborhood we will call "Fieldstone" and did some quick research on it yesterday. What a great area in Brentwood! No problem on getting the bank its money. In consideration of time and working on my bathroom visits, I sent Latte out to p/u the key and meet me at "Feildstone." Well, after a drive to Franklin, my researching team back at the office let me know that the house was off of I-24, basically in gangland! It was another "Fieldstone" in the Nashville area!

The real nice part of the story is that I did get a laugh out of everything that followed. The train tracks the house sat on, the 3500 sq foot deck and above-ground pool, the toilet in the closet. I laughed when I got on the interstate going the wrong way back to West End and realized that I was almost to Hermitage (how embarrassing to admit that here) I also laughed out loud when my phone died, but just before I got a call from Vanderbilt.....(OMG THIS IS IT. THEY HAVE THE PANCREAS!) But it was my client instead!

I was sad for the bank (is that possible?) and the appraiser that might get deposed! And filled with all kinds of inspiration to write some real estate articles about the market, etc.

I have projects I want to work on for future investment, some clients that need help, some great houses that really need to be sold.....I have much to do, I enjoy it and I am grateful. My challenge is to remain grateful and not resentful when there is pain.

(there is an arc of pain and weakness that can be directly proportional to my need/love/anger of Latte. Poor guy. This morning when I was hurting and sweating at a certain point, I only wanted his company. When it became more annoying and less painful, I was mad that he wasn't making me breakfast. Or rushed off to buy me another enema. What a brat I am. Yet I know that he is just ....here, so that he is really a true reflection of myself. And I am so lucky that I haven't chased him off yet)

The NYT (thank you from the bottom of my heart Phillipe) had a great article this Sunday about uncertainty. Apparently it can cause more stress in your life than anything. Our entire country is dealing with this now, so it is fitting that I have my own brand of uncertainty. Waiting for 2 organs, trying to get dialysis running on a schedule, etc.

The article, one of the most popular this week, states that uncertainty can be worse for you than bad news. The studies were adjusted for the overly anxious and covered several years. The wonderful thing is: "people underestimate their ability to cope with a bad situation." I knew it! I cling to this!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/your-money/03shortcuts.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink