Waiting for a Transplant; Starting Dialysis

I am the Bionic Woman.

But I itch. I itch especially on my back, where I cannot reach. I itch around my neck and my chest and the real claw marks are found around my catheter tape. The tape to secure the one foot catheter to my belly is getting old. I want to take it off, like you do a new bra at night or too-tight shoes. The shoes may look good, but you just want to take them off. The truth about how permanent the catheter is is setting in.....But it's not permanent if I get the transplant. Ah the wait. And the composure I need. One day at a time...right?

I've tried not to talk about the itch. Or the GI problems (poor John). Or the other symptoms. I've tried to meditate (it works), busy myself with anything else(it works) But the itch comes back. Now I'm trying to talk about it to beat it. The medications are helping with the GI problems, but the kidney doctor proffered nothing for the itch or the leg cramps. In fact, he says he has no idea why I have leg cramps - maybe dehydration. (On every website about kidney failure, leg cramps are listed as a sympton. The dialysis center staff said to eat salt.)

So I am Bionic - I am strong! I just had the most delightful walk with Laura (great therapy) and I will do the 5.8 with Amy tomorrow. But I am Bionic with an insulin IV coming out of one side of my stomach, and a dialysis catheter coming out of the other. ( I guess I should really be self-involved and take a picture....oh yuck.) The catheter goes all the way through my peritenal cavity and apparently is touching my....get ready for this one...rectum. It feels very very unusual and not in a good way.

My other symptoms include some balance issues (I can handle that so far!) and wanting to nap. I've missed a few dinner parties and great events due to the napping. I wanted to catalog my aches and pains here...for good reason. Though I do complain to John and a few friends, I know it is tiresome and unproductive. So I am pretending like I'm not sick. I want to look back at this, after this risky surgery, and know that I'm better off after the transplant.

Sometimes I think: Why am I risking this surgery - the kidney and the pancreas? These symptoms are not so bad. I can live with gas pain, gas smell, itching, other not so nice GI issues.... But as dialysis gets closer (one week to go) I know that my life is going to change even more. The bandage changes everyday and the saline soaking are nothing probably compared to Peritenal Dialysis four times a day (for the first six weeks - then 9 hours a night).